Examining Reality; Speaking the unspeakable – with the help of truth serum

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Really, really tired

Very, very worrying. I’ve been struggling to learn and use Microsoft’s Windows Presentation Foundation (WPF) for a major re-write of our application for the hospital. There’s lots of new things to learn, weird behaviours to discover and work-around, and a self-imposed 5 Oct deadline to finish it.

I wake up in the afternoon, and face the monitor screen with absolutely no direction on how to get what I want done. Should I use a canvas for the slide-out menu? Should I use a grid instead? Both exhibit weird and undocumented behaviour which I don’t discover until I take the plunge, and start coding. And then only after I get the majority of that feature up working, I find a show-stopping behaviour, and I would need to tear everything down, and start over again.

If it’s just once or twice, or if I had all the time in the world, I would have simply treated this as a learning experience. But the high hopes placed within this project has caused me a lot of hand-wringing, and there is so much internal and external pressure that I’ve gone beyond thinking about it. It’s just mind-numbing paralysis as I search the Internet for non-existent documentation on WPF quirks.

The result being that I’m quite drained and disillusioned. I look at the plans I’ve drawn up, and being forced to reduce them more and more. These failures are getting quite trying for me, that I’m beginning to doubt my own ability to code. Seriously, I’m starting to think that the problem is with me.

I really, really need to get away from it all. I’m weary.

Just saying…

Prologue:
Of course, I realise that publishing this on my blog, where people who know me may read, and connect the dots, or potential employers may read and make judgements on is not a wise thing to do, but the lesson I’ve learnt is too invaluable for me to just shove into the back of my mind. All in, this current project I’m on has yielded me a lot of personal growth, and I sincerely believe that it will serve me well in life. Special thanks go to my project mentor and team mates for being so understanding.

That’s the good thing about being in school. You can make all the silly mistakes you want, and you’ll escape unscathed… mostly; it is a good place to be daring and learn all you can. This is the latest lesson I’ve learnt.

I’m just saying this, and only because this would most probably not reach the ears of the person I’m talking about (hopefully), but there really are some people who can test the limits of my patience.

More specifically, I’m referring to a person from a certain organisation who can somehow ruin my otherwise perfect day with his tactless comments. It’s not just me who’s affected. Others who have interacted with this specific person have told me that they had to exercise their restraints in conversation just to keep themselves calm.

Perfect training ground for the emotional quotient. Regardless of whether my EQ gets strengthened with increased interaction with this person, I find it unsettling for my health to be in extended contact with him. During a recent meeting, we could only sit down, seething as the person pointed out that we did wrong on everything in a project that we were on.

Advice appreciated. Tone, not so. Have you ever had somebody come up to you, and talk to you as if you could never do anything right? How did you feel?

After coming so far on a project, I probably was not prepared to accept so much criticism at one go, but a condescending tone was the absolute maximum I could handle. I scribbled on the scrap piece of paper I had to distract myself from the steaming rage. Looking at a smiling face that dispensed the words, I fought long and hard to stay calm.

The bottom line is clear to me. In retrospect, I understand the need to keep cool and focused under the fire, and I think this has been some serious eye-opener for me. I remember going ballistic after some serious teasing from certain friends many years ago. The army has taught me that the little teases and scandalous public dress-downs don’t matter in the greater scheme of things. Working in a call centre has taught me the virtue of being dispassionate under personal insult from angry customers.

That day was the latest challenge in my personal development. To be able to take affronts to my professional work and strategy from a person who can smile throughout the entire session. I realise that I’m not perfect, and that person has made some valid observations about my work. It is the delivery of the message I need to get used to.

Unfortunately, that person doesn’t eat yong tau hoo, last I recall. Perhaps he takes seafood? Otherwise, I would have treated him to a bowl just to demonstrate to myself that I can overcome this challenge. The challenge of keeping a poker face under fire. My mentor’s good at this though, I have a lot to learn from him.