Pkchukiss - Reality Wine

It is one of those quiet nights, kind of like the umpteenth one I had to endure alone ever since becoming a nocturnal animal. Where most of the rest of the world sleeps, I get the time and space to ponder over my life in general. I don’t really like the silence, it gnaws unnaturally at my mind, looking out on the deserted street.

Empty of vehicles, the uneven orange cast of the street lights cast a hypnotic pattern on the tarmac, broken occasionally by the moving shadows of the leaves. Sometimes when I go to the pantry to top up my water bottle, I could see a slightly protruding shadow flitting through the trees, barely skirting the head lamps, and out of sight. It makes me wonder whether super heroes exist.

A guardian of the night, hiding in the trees, skipping stealthily through the city, scanning for signs of criminal activity, keeping us safe in our houses.

I’m lucky to be insensitive to the supernatural. After being mesmerised by the night scene, I return to my desk with a sigh. I thumb through the discussion lists on Hardwarezone forums. When things get slow, there is nothing like the troll, the snobbish, and pure stupidity to get things going on a slow night.

The latter starts a topic on something they are clueless about, the second one replies to “(expletive) Google it!”, and the first group to bring along their fuel and lighter for the party. I sit back and enjoy the bickering until an administrator comes along, and locks up that topic. Things start to cool down for a few moments before igniting in some other thread, but the frequency at night is so low (they must be too tired fighting in the day) that I usually stare at the same topic listings for upwards of half-an-hour before even a new topic comes along.

I start to think about the past. The dark (some of my colleagues like to work in the dark, for some inexplicable reasons) brings me into retrospect.

How I bombed my GCE “A” levels, got teased terribly in secondary school, and lost contact with many good friends. It makes me slightly bitter, leaning back on the computer chair. The heart does not heal from injuries - they are instead buried through the sands of time. When the conditions are right, memories will cause the hurtful past to rear its ugly head, even when you have moved on in Life.

A call from an extremely sleepy customer comes in. Everything is sucked forcefully back into the chasm and locked up tight with new locks; the key thrown away, leaving the heart reeling from the sudden adrenaline. I stared at the darkened office ceiling: now what? The future looks uncertain. While my friends have gone into specialisation fields, I had held off back then, severely influenced by my parent’s words.

“No…. Do not go into the IT field, there is no opportunity there anymore…”

Heck, that sounded typically Singaporean.

“You MUST go to the University, or there’ll be no future jobs for you…” the ghostly image taunted my mind.

“I didn’t want to be stuck working all my life”, I reflected.

“Follow your heart’s desire… Do you wish to enjoy working, or grind through miserably in a highly-paid hype?”

The next shift that came in found me in a daze.

“Hey, are you alright?”

“Yeah, somehow…”

“You must take care… Night shift is bad for your health. Don’t think too much ya?”

As my shift came to an end, I was no closer to finding an answer than I had before. It was frustrating, but I had no longer the mental energy to churn it in my head. I am…

Lost.

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